Mormon News

Study By Utah University School of Medicine, Harvard School of Medicine, and Dr Scholl’s School of Podiatry released a 100 year study in the general of New England Medicine confirming that Mormons do not have horns. Many Baptist schools refute this claim. The schools refuting the study claim that 16 millions people is not a large enough sample size. On top of that the study was only looking at visible and not invisible horns.

In other news recent work on the Joseph Smith Papers uncovered a new proclamation given to God to the Prophet. It reads, “ MLM is not of me, thus sayeth the Lord.” The church is considering adding it to the Doctrine & Covenants. Skeptics of the church say they are 10% less skeptical of the church thanks to this finding.

In mission news Ash Ketchum has turned 18 after 25 years of Pokemon training and will be going on his mission this month. His mission call is to the Johto region. When asked for comment his friend and long time travel companion Pikachu had this to say, “Pika Pika PIKACHU.”

A murder in Mesa, Arizona confessed to police. He said sister missionaries came to his house and he planned to kill them. He went to the restroom and when he came back about to kill them he saw three large men around the sisters. They bore their testimonies and gave him a Book of Mormon. After they left he felt incredible guilt for his actions and called the police to confess his previous crimes.

Finally your best friend is getting married. Your mother is asking when you will get married. She is also complaining about how you never even go on dates.